Virtually every entrepreneur or business person wonders from time to time what’s going on in that other person’s head – whether it’s a potential prospect, current customer or an employee within their company:  (what were they or are they thinking??).  We spend time just trying to figure out what makes them tick, or what made them do - whatever strange or seemingly illogical thing they did.

And yet, if you look into any behavior, it’s clear: what they (all!) are doing is validating their self-image.  But here’s the rub: we all have THREE self-images: what we REALLY think of ourselves, what we WANT to think of ourselves, and what we think OTHERS think of us.

When you listen to or observe some loud-mouthed, long-winded, pompous sort, what’s s/he trying to accomplish?  If you can get past the annoying part of their discourse, it’s actually pretty easy to see and understand their behavior.  Now what?  We can take an oppositional approach – argue, diminish, prove them wrong, ‘put them in their place’ – but what’s the end-result of that?  You’ve aggravated yourself, them and possibly others within earshot – and – worst case – others who may have witnessed you putting them down – diminished yourself – in others’ eyes.

The easiest thing to do is simply HELP that loud-mouth build and polish his/her self-image.  It builds rapport and greases the wheel to enable you to accomplish your goal(s).  That sounds manipulative - and perhaps it is – depends on your goal.

All of life is driven by ego – yours, mine, theirs – in one of those three forms.  Do not be misled – it’s that simple, that direct. You can easily be a ‘behavioral Sherlock Holmes’ simply by reflecting on others’ actions.  It’s not really that hard.  You need two skills: listening, and reflection… Perhaps the one greatest thing people want in life is to be heard.  So if you pause and listen, really listen, not just to the words but to the underlying message, you may very well help them – even more – to accomplish their goal – which will almost inevitably make achieving YOURS even easier!  Put your own ego on hold – watch and listen – and your insight will be amazing!

The trick is to figure out which one of those three self-images is at play, then use it – in hopefully an ethical and moral way - to enable your cohort or (potential) customer to gain, solidify or retain his/her ego.

And it’s not that hard!

If you’re truly confident unto yourself, you do not NEED to convince anyone – it will simply show through.  If that’s the case, when someone crosses your path – client, customer, waiter, subordinate, associate, boss – they are there for a reason.  Your immediate first goal is to find out THEIR goal – and then help them achieve it. Of course, their stated or obvious goal may be the wrong one – but that just makes things a bit more fun, don’t you think?

If a secretary or administrative assistant becomes excessively authoritative, what’s the message?

If a boss becomes excessively authoritative, what’s the message?

If a sales person becomes too aggressive, what’s the message?

If a sales person is too sheepish, what’s the message?

If a waiter/waitress has no time for you, what’s the message?

But the big, real, crucial question here is – HOW WILL YOU RESPOND?

Will you confront – and not be ‘put down’ – or will you assuage his/her ego – and facilitate accomplishing your own goal?

It’s up to you… àhelp them to sustain or build their ego – and you’ll BOTH win!

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